Trapped inside myself

Trapped inside myself

I wonder sometimes if others know what it's like to feel trapped inside of your own body. At 28 years old I feel the weight of the world, the stress, the heartbreak, the pain, the struggling to make ends meet, and the worry, over taking my body. I've always been an old soul sort of person, but deep down I know this journey should only be just beginning I should have many more years left. How come I feel like I've gone 200,000 miles already then and I'm on my last leg?

I am not writing to be upbeat or to even try to encourage myself tonight, most of the time I take what I say in stride and mean it as a lesson for others. Not tonight. Tonight I feel old and at the end of my journey, and I wonder if my days are numbered. My body literally feels like it's giving up on me today. I hope I'm just getting yet another cold but I'm not sure.

I am in pain, I've been in pain for weeks, actually almost a year. I felt this coming on this time last year and went to a doctor to request some help. She decided I'm bipolar on my first visit and refused to treat anything else because I wouldn't agree to being treated for bi-polar disorder. I may be slightly depressed but I'm not bi-polar. Bi-polar people have highs and lows, I never get in a manic stage. There are no highs, it's valleys and plains for me. Which is fine. I can enjoy things but never feel on top of the world.

The pain is ridiculous, my head hurts, my eyes are blurred, my jaw ears, and neck hurt, I have random pains in my chest and joints sometimes in the muscles, and I'm short of breath just a little not badly. My sinuses were draining earlier today, and I know for certain that my blood pressure has been out of control the last several weeks/months. What are my thoughts? I worry. I worry that I won't wake up when I go to sleep, I worry that I'm going to have a heart attack or stroke in front of my little girl and her not be able to do anything to help, and no one even knowing until her daddy gets home. I'm scared I'm going to die and leave her with no mommy. I pray before I go to sleep at night "God please help me get better, please let me stay, I want to see my baby grow up, God we both know she needs me please don't bring me home tonight," and then I go to worriedly and wearily go to sleep.

This is no way to live. How can you live when you are afraid of dying. I'm afraid to walk around in the store, I'm starting to become afraid of working around the house doing dishes and doing the laundry have become too much for me... and I'm so scared. I don't know how to make it better.

In my situation part of the problem is I'm scarily overweight. At over 300lbs every step I take I'm carrying an extra person around. My heart races and my head throbs when I try to do any physical activity so in my mind that makes exercise out of the question. If I try not to eat I get sick with the shakes. What can I do to make it better? Especially when I go to the doctor asking for help and she turns me away because I disagree with her diagnosis of my mental health.

What to do...?