Trapped inside myself

Trapped inside myself

I wonder sometimes if others know what it's like to feel trapped inside of your own body. At 28 years old I feel the weight of the world, the stress, the heartbreak, the pain, the struggling to make ends meet, and the worry, over taking my body. I've always been an old soul sort of person, but deep down I know this journey should only be just beginning I should have many more years left. How come I feel like I've gone 200,000 miles already then and I'm on my last leg?

I am not writing to be upbeat or to even try to encourage myself tonight, most of the time I take what I say in stride and mean it as a lesson for others. Not tonight. Tonight I feel old and at the end of my journey, and I wonder if my days are numbered. My body literally feels like it's giving up on me today. I hope I'm just getting yet another cold but I'm not sure.

I am in pain, I've been in pain for weeks, actually almost a year. I felt this coming on this time last year and went to a doctor to request some help. She decided I'm bipolar on my first visit and refused to treat anything else because I wouldn't agree to being treated for bi-polar disorder. I may be slightly depressed but I'm not bi-polar. Bi-polar people have highs and lows, I never get in a manic stage. There are no highs, it's valleys and plains for me. Which is fine. I can enjoy things but never feel on top of the world.

The pain is ridiculous, my head hurts, my eyes are blurred, my jaw ears, and neck hurt, I have random pains in my chest and joints sometimes in the muscles, and I'm short of breath just a little not badly. My sinuses were draining earlier today, and I know for certain that my blood pressure has been out of control the last several weeks/months. What are my thoughts? I worry. I worry that I won't wake up when I go to sleep, I worry that I'm going to have a heart attack or stroke in front of my little girl and her not be able to do anything to help, and no one even knowing until her daddy gets home. I'm scared I'm going to die and leave her with no mommy. I pray before I go to sleep at night "God please help me get better, please let me stay, I want to see my baby grow up, God we both know she needs me please don't bring me home tonight," and then I go to worriedly and wearily go to sleep.

This is no way to live. How can you live when you are afraid of dying. I'm afraid to walk around in the store, I'm starting to become afraid of working around the house doing dishes and doing the laundry have become too much for me... and I'm so scared. I don't know how to make it better.

In my situation part of the problem is I'm scarily overweight. At over 300lbs every step I take I'm carrying an extra person around. My heart races and my head throbs when I try to do any physical activity so in my mind that makes exercise out of the question. If I try not to eat I get sick with the shakes. What can I do to make it better? Especially when I go to the doctor asking for help and she turns me away because I disagree with her diagnosis of my mental health.

What to do...?

Too Much Drama

I will freely admit I've become a bit of a hermit over the last few years withdrawing from friends, disconnecting, turning inward with my feelings, and dealing with things alone. Sometime last year in epiphany mode I realized I had withdrawn myself from people I used to care about, and realized that it was a sign of serious depression, I've battled depression most of my life so, this isn't my first rodeo, nor a surprise to me.

So slowly I started reaching out to friends from the past, one from middle school, a few from high school, friends that used to be very close, some distant, and I found.... lots of drama. So much so I want to crawl back into my little hermit shell and never come out again. I mean it's been one thing or another all along but recently... all of the sudden it seems like EVERYONE in my life has some sort of malfunction, and MOST of these "problems" all root at relationship issues.

Girls, (and guys) you don't need a man or a woman to make your life complete. Today, God forbid, if my husband said he'd had enough, I would roll up my sleeves start looking for a way to get my bills paid and move on. I'm not heartless... I'm really not, of course it would hurt and the last 8 years of my life would have felt like a bit of a waste, but you wouldn't find me wallowing in it. Reserve that stuff for teenage angst, you should have grown out of it by now. Come ON! After the initial trying to work things out and asking him to come back, and realizing he wasn't willing to work things out, I wouldn't let him see it bother me. And he certainly wouldn't be getting into a friends with benefits relationship with me either. There's an old saying about that... "Why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?" SERIOUSLY! Here's what he's thinking if you allow that, "Wait, you mean I can still have sex, and other fun times with you, and not have to be there for all of those boring moments, and not have to deal with any of those annoying husband/boyfriend/father things, and I could still pretend to be single and maybe find someone else... why should I come back again?"

It's not just break ups, my other pet peeves of the moment on this subject:

~*~Husbands well men period that won't provide for their families, if he truly cared about you and your family he wouldn't be riding you for what he could get. He'd be working to make your lives better.


~*~girlfriends who secretly intentionally get pregnant to try and trap someone, if he said he doesn't want a(nother) child with you getting pregnant isn't going to make your relationship stronger, and making him feel trapped in the relationship is only going to make things worse. You are setting yourself up for more heartbreak and 18 years of explaining why daddy isn't really around.


~*~girls who throw themselves at the next thing that look at them after a break up, that guy the one people squinch up their nose at when he walks in a room, he had some sort of social issues already, that's why he covered himself in tattoos and never takes a bath, or the womanizer who's "ONE and done" you'll be crying over him next month please don't do that to yourself, take the time and heal, and find someone who is a perfect fit and not just an OK fit. You don't just have to have someone!


~*~men who flip flop and try and go back after their exes when they are already in a relationship. Look, #1 there is a reason he's an ex, something went wrong that made him that way and you've probably already shed enough tears and had enough heartbreak from that one guy, and #2 he's a cheater if he's going behind his current girlfriend's back to tell you he still loves you. He doesn't still love you, he's bored, and wants to make sure he has someone if he gets out of his current relationship, chances are he'll be telling her the same thing in a couple of months.... this guy has a commitment problem or maybe he's a psychopath that enjoys toying with your emotions, either way get away from him. He's in the past for a reason! If he really wants to be with you, he'll leave the current girlfriend and come find you. You won't have to beg him for it.

I suppose that list could go one forever but I personally know someone in each of those situations right now, the worst part is EVERY ONE of those people are in their late 20's early 30's and have children watching them act like this, or be treated like this. You are damaging your kids allowing these kinds of things to go on in your life. Please make it stop, get a backbone and stand up for yourself, pull yourself out of your despair and don't drown on your own tears.

I love my friends and family but right now, I want to turn off my phone block them all on facebook and ignore them until they straighten up. The sad fact of the matter is, I don't know that I believe they'll ever straighten up.

My shoulder is too soggy.

Tornadoes

Tornadoes

Pesky twisting tunnels of wind. Scary. I've been scared of them my entire life, that list includes snakes, tornadoes, dying young without raising my daughter, and... well that's about it... I think. Yes for now that's it, oh no wait and then there's home invasion, but that's all. I worry, there are not many things that send me running in fright, but if worry were fear, well I'd of died long ago from being worried to death. I'm sure it's coming anyway LOL. I guess people use that saying too "worried to death" instead of scared to death. Ugh, anyway.

This morning I was sound asleep, and dreaming about something I dream about more often then I'd like to, being caught in or running from a tornado. People say that dreaming about tornadoes means you feel turmoil in your life. I can't really disagree with that statement, because I probably do, but I don't think that's why I dream about tornadoes. I think it's just because it's something I'm actually scared of.

I have seen more real tornadoes in my life then the average person. If you count the ones in my dreams maybe even more then the average storm chaser. (haha) We lived in an area that every time it clouded up and rained a tornado would pop up. I don't know what it was about that area but something must have been right to form  tornadoes regularly.

When I was young I remember driving over Escambia Bay Bridge and seeing two water spouts out in the water, I've spent awhile online tonight hoping to find a picture of it but I was unable. After searching for awhile I remembered that, that was back in the day before everyone had a cell phone and I don't think digital cameras were invented yet, and if they were they were not readily available to the general public.

It looked sorta like this and I remember being scared that they would join together and form a larger tornado and take out the bridge we were driving over. I remember my mom urging my dad to drive faster and get away from the bridge and I remember my tiny little heart praying to God that we'd get off that bridge safely before it got to the bridge. I also remember feeling bad for praying that it wouldn't hit while we were on the bridge, because what about the people behind us?

This mornings dream was similar to that memory. I was a teen my dad was driving, my mom in the passenger seat my siblings spread out through the car they were all teens too. The bad weather started, and then there was a tornado out across the median on the other side of the interstate and it was coming towards us. This was no little spout like in the picture, this was a F2, or and F3. As we drove tornadoes popped up all around us just behind us. One F5 big and black and crossing the road right behind us, laying massive destruction to the road and cars just behind us. So close it took my breath away. So close it laid over a massive tree right behind the vehicle. So close the leaves scraped the back window of the car, and my dad was surely hitting 90 or better I began to worry about one picking up the car, or blowing him off the road and a wreck killing us all, but the sheer terror of what was happening behind us kept me silent about that fear. 

I grabbed my mothers shoulders to tell her something as another twister took away my breath, and at that very moment, lightning struck my house and the electricity went out and woke me from my terrible dream. I was glad to be out of the dream, but only for a moment, when I realized that there was a massive storm going on outside. There were tornado spottings all over town! 

A moment later Boogie was running and jumping into bed with me, the power going off had scared her also, and I'm a little concerned there was a small twister out front, from the noises I heard, and somethings being tossed around that shouldn't have been. We sat together for about an hour with no power and lightning popping every five minutes for a little over an hour with no power. I learned later in the day that a child at a daycare up the road was struck by lightning, I'm so glad that wasn't us. I didn't hear if the child was ok or not.

It's funny how at almost 30 I'm still dreaming of being a teenager/young adult. Rarely do I dream about my life how it is now, and when I do it's not memorable.

Do you dream about Tornadoes? Do you dream about being an age other then what you are now? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Poignant Memories Of Growing Up.

Back in 2005 I was a hell raiser. I was rowdy, and ready to pounce on anyone that ticked me off. Consequences didn't matter to me. I hadn't been to jail or anything but wasn't scared of going. Wait let me back up here I'm giving you the wrong impression. I wasn't that bad, these are just aspects of my personality that don't exist anymore. I was amused with the life I was living, but I wasn't happy.

Growing up too fast:
Let's rewind a little. I've been a little adult most of my life. I'm the oldest of four kids, and the first grandchild in my Mom's family. Needless to say I was spoiled rotten. That is until I was four and a half, and my mom popped out twins, and then 18 months later had another child. My mom bless her heart decided after having four kids that she wanted to go to school to become a nurse, after trying nursing school myself with a child, I applaud her for making it through, because it's tough. This kind of left me in charge of a house full of kids. So I've been mommying for about 20 of my 28 years. This made me a serious kid, and not always a happy kid.

Death:
My papa "Gamp" was my most favoritest person in the whole wide world! He got cancer and he fought it hard but, I remember watching him slowly melt away, and finally lose his battle. He hated doctors and didn't want to know something was wrong until it was too late to effectively treat the cancer, it seems to me he lived about a year with heavy chemo treatments.  This was very hard on my little eight year old heart, and my first experience with death. This was probably also the first time I had a bout of depression.

Becoming a Nurse:
My grandmother "Moye" worked very hard to take Gamps place in my heart. She took me out and I stayed the night at her house probably more then I stayed at home. Looking back on it now it probably had something to do with her not wanting to be alone. Within a few months of Gamps death Moye started getting terrible headaches, she eventually went to the doctor and they told her that she had an inner ear infection. They were very wrong. Moye was having TIA's or mini strokes, and left untreated she ended up having a very bad stroke a few months later. She had to relearn how to talk and walk and she was perpetually dizzy from then on. She recovered overall though. Moye returned home after what seemed to my 9 year old self like a lifetime, it was probably a few months. Moye wanted to retain her independence and stay in her own home, now I realize she should have been living with a family member, or maybe a highly functioning assisted living facility. I stayed with Moye a lot after that helping her with daily living type stuff, cooking, cleaning, doing what she needed done. Moye had quickly become my new best friend after Gamp passed and I didn't mind.

Fast forwarding a bit, there's a blur of many years of raising siblings, and taking care of Moye, and helping my dad in various ways with his auto repair shop, and doing what I can to help my mom through nursing school.

Killing myself:

At 16 my online boyfriend turned 18 and the pressures of "becoming a man" were too much for him. He set himself on fire and jumped off of a bridge. I was devastated. There's committing suicide and then there's brutally killing yourself.

I knew he was unhappy about some of the pressures of "becoming an adult", I knew he wasn't excited about going off to college, I had no idea he was that unhappy. Looking back it wasn't a very serious relationship, but at the time it meant the world to me, and him killing himself especially the way he did sent me into a very steep downward spiral.

At the time I was in high school, we were fairly poor, my mom wouldn't let me drive, wanted me to have a job, but also wanted me at home. The younger kids were going to school out of district at my grandmother's house across town. Every afternoon I came home to an empty house and was there sometimes until 7-9pm by myself. I was isolated from my family. I was sad, and this boy killing himself pushed me over the edge.

I was deeply depressed for a few months and then decided I would end all of the pain. One night while home alone and it was getting late, I decided to kill myself. I was going to cut my wrists it seemed the most painless way to go.

Standing in the kitchen with a knife in hand tears pouring down my face there was a knock on the front door. A mild interruption, I didn't want my family to walk in and find me mid suicide so I went to find out who was at the front door. There standing at the front door dressed in a khaki pair of pants and a green cardigan was the devil. I freaked the #@&% out. He stared at me through the window of the front door. I locked the door and ran.

We had a very large antique clawfooted table pushed up against a wall in the living room and I crawled under it the house shuddered (old houses do from time to time) and a chilly wind picked up inside of the house (old houses are also sometimes drafty but this was no ordinary draft) I pulled down the phone underneath the table and called a friend that lived a few streets over to see if she'd come over I don't think I told her I was planning to kill myself, I do think I probably told her Satan was at my front door and that I was scared. She didn't come but stayed on the phone with me. I didn't kill myself that night (obviously)

A few months later the new star wars movie was released and the makeup job on Darth Maul (??? I think, not a star wars fan) looked just like what I saw standing at my front door that day. We lived on the corner of one of the busiest intersections in town, it is possible that someone in makeup stopped by the house that day, it is also possible that as depressed as I was that I was hallucinating.

I ended up telling my mom that I was planning to kill myself, that I was very depressed, she took me to a therapist. That was probably the biggest joke in all of it. The therapist told me I was being mistreated by my family and that I needed to get emancipated and move in with my best friend. I told my mom that I didn't want to go back and see her anymore and awhile later I told her why. I don't feel like I was abused. I think my parents were caught up in just getting by and that they didn't know the toll that being alone was taking on me.

Big Hit:


Shortly after this we lost our house, and moved to the next town over. I lost all of the connection I had made in school and friends, and didn't get to see much of Moye. I still called and talked to her regularly but we were a good 45 min to hour and 30 minute drive from her house. Moye had various other health problems creep up after her stroke diabetes, and COPD. Moye was sad to have us so far away but didn't want to come live with us, and her health kept declining. My uncle and her sister both planned a trip within a few weeks of each other to come see Moye. I knew at the time that it was a bad omen. Mom had a cold and we came over to clean the carpets at Moye's house in preparation for the visits. Moye picked up the cold. Between that and the stress of the visits and the going and doing to keep the family entertained, Moye never got over the cold.

I went to stay with her because she couldn't even cook for herself while she was sick and she kept taking her oxygen off and somehow the cord kept coming unplugged. Late one night she had taken off her oxygen and turned almost blue before I noticed I made her put it back on, I kept begging her to go to the ER because I knew she was very sick. The next day she was got up to go to the bathroom and couldn't hardly walk even with her walker. I was following along behind her and as she got in the bathroom she started to fall. I was a pretty strong girl from helping dad around the shop I was already twisted when she started to fall and I caught her and put her back on her feet. This was the beginning of back problems for me. I called the paramedics even though Moye protested and by the time they got there she was no longer in any shape to protest.

It amazes me that you're in an ambulance on your way to the hospital lights and siren going, and people don't pull over and get out of the way. Moye was probably in death's door as far as I was concerned and that was a very long anxious ambulance ride.

After a few hours Moye so sick I don't remember her being barely conscious, they admitted her to the hospital. It was night time by the time they got her in a room, I remember she had been hungry all day but generally they don't let you eat in the ER. When they brought a dinner tray to her room she was no longer interested in eating I felt so bad for her... I knew she was very sick... but didn't think she would be gone in a few weeks. I had been staying with Moye and getting very little sleep I was afraid to go to sleep and find her oxygen unplugged and her dead, on top of the cold I knew she couldn't be without it, plus she was very sick and sleeping at odd times several days prior to all of this. I was dead tired and in a decent amount of pain. I laid down on the floor and my mom and I both fell asleep in her hospital room. I woke up hearing a funny little noise I laid there listening to it feeling me out I was still in a ton of pain and sleeping on the hospital floor hadn't helped. I laid there listening to it in my stupor trying to figure out what that little noise was. I got up and was sickened by the realization of what it was. It was moye taking tiny breaths in her hospital bed dying. I brought her to the hospital to save her, not kill her. In the middle of the night her nurse came in to turn her and forgot to put her oxygen back on her. Mom woke up about this time too and started screaming momma, momma, patting her face screamed for her nurse and I believe she's the one that called a code on her. I stood and watched in horror as they worked on her.

I would never have another 2 sided conversation with my best friend again. They were able to bring her around and took her up to ICU. On a ventilator. her doctor later explained to me this: "Your lungs are like a rubber band. People with COPD's lungs are wearing out, they don't repair, and by leaving her oxygen off essentially her lungs were overworked and stretched out and probably would never be able to breath on her own again.


Why I Believe In The After Life Without A Doubt:
Moye did not want to be on the ventilator she pulled it off, more then once. Finally my mom asked her and explained to her that she couldn't live without it and she told mom she didn't want it on. A few days later mom allowed it to be removed. Moye fought for a few hours or a few days I don't remember the time blurs in my mind I do know that mom sat beside her bed for hours, and finally she asked me to go sit with her so she could get some dinner. She hadn't eaten all day and I wanted some time with moye. People were coming and saying their goodbyes and only 2 people could be in the room at a time. I watched this procession sadly from the waiting room at least most of that day already.

As I sat next to her... I thought she's barely alive but she's still hanging on why? I realized I hadn't told her goodbye. Moye was waiting on me. I wanted to be alone to tell her what was on my mind and I sat there quietly for awhile. I finally realized that I would never get a chance to tell her goodbye alone, I sat close to her head held her hand and cried as I said "Moye I love you, and I'm grown up now, and I need you, but I know you're in pain, and it's ok to let go...I'll make it somehow... when you get to heaven you tell Gamp I love him and I'll see you guys one day." Even literally in death's door Moye was worried about me and holding on just to hear those words as I kissed her cheek her heart rate and respirations begin to decline and finally ceased. I cried and cried and no one came and the hospital monitors were going nutts and I went into the hallway to scream at someone for not coming to turn them off and as I stood there muttering somebody please help I realized Moye had died while mom was downstairs getting dinner after sitting there for days watching her suffer and trying not to leave her side for anything... so she could be there for that moment. I ran back in the room and grabbed Moye's hand "Moye please come back, Moye, Moye! Mom's not here Moye she's going to be devastated... Moye please just wait a few more minutes for Mom." She had been gone 3-5 minutes at this point, but Moye came back for just a few minutes the monitors went from flat line alarms, and zero reading to very faint vital signs. After being dead hearing my pleas for my mom's sake, Moye climbed back in that lifeless body and back into the pain of death to wait for her daughter to come back. I hardly remember the second death, it wasn't but a few minutes later mom had come gave her a kiss and she again quietly stopped breathing. There were tears everywhere, her nurses were closer this time and came and turned off her monitors. I don't remember much from there... what I remember most is the shock of her coming back to life briefly to wait on mom.

That proves to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death. How else could she have heard my pleas and come back briefly? I'm sure someone out there has some scientific phenom explanation, but I don't want to hear it. I know what happened...