Back in 2005 I was a hell raiser. I was rowdy, and ready to pounce on anyone that ticked me off. Consequences didn't matter to me. I hadn't been to jail or anything but wasn't scared of going. Wait let me back up here I'm giving you the wrong impression. I wasn't that bad, these are just aspects of my personality that don't exist anymore. I was amused with the life I was living, but I wasn't happy.
Growing up too fast:
Let's rewind a little. I've been a little adult most of my life. I'm the oldest of four kids, and the first grandchild in my Mom's family. Needless to say I was spoiled rotten. That is until I was four and a half, and my mom popped out twins, and then 18 months later had another child. My mom bless her heart decided after having four kids that she wanted to go to school to become a nurse, after trying nursing school myself with a child, I applaud her for making it through, because it's tough. This kind of left me in charge of a house full of kids. So I've been mommying for about 20 of my 28 years. This made me a serious kid, and not always a happy kid.
Death:
My papa "Gamp" was my most favoritest person in the whole wide world! He got cancer and he fought it hard but, I remember watching him slowly melt away, and finally lose his battle. He hated doctors and didn't want to know something was wrong until it was too late to effectively treat the cancer, it seems to me he lived about a year with heavy chemo treatments. This was very hard on my little eight year old heart, and my first experience with death. This was probably also the first time I had a bout of depression.
Becoming a Nurse:
My grandmother "Moye" worked very hard to take Gamps place in my heart. She took me out and I stayed the night at her house probably more then I stayed at home. Looking back on it now it probably had something to do with her not wanting to be alone. Within a few months of Gamps death Moye started getting terrible headaches, she eventually went to the doctor and they told her that she had an inner ear infection. They were very wrong. Moye was having TIA's or mini strokes, and left untreated she ended up having a very bad stroke a few months later. She had to relearn how to talk and walk and she was perpetually dizzy from then on. She recovered overall though. Moye returned home after what seemed to my 9 year old self like a lifetime, it was probably a few months. Moye wanted to retain her independence and stay in her own home, now I realize she should have been living with a family member, or maybe a highly functioning assisted living facility. I stayed with Moye a lot after that helping her with daily living type stuff, cooking, cleaning, doing what she needed done. Moye had quickly become my new best friend after Gamp passed and I didn't mind.
Fast forwarding a bit, there's a blur of many years of raising siblings, and taking care of Moye, and helping my dad in various ways with his auto repair shop, and doing what I can to help my mom through nursing school.
Killing myself:
At 16 my online boyfriend turned 18 and the pressures of "becoming a man" were too much for him. He set himself on fire and jumped off of a bridge. I was devastated. There's committing suicide and then there's brutally killing yourself.
I knew he was unhappy about some of the pressures of "becoming an adult", I knew he wasn't excited about going off to college, I had no idea he was that unhappy. Looking back it wasn't a very serious relationship, but at the time it meant the world to me, and him killing himself especially the way he did sent me into a very steep downward spiral.
At the time I was in high school, we were fairly poor, my mom wouldn't let me drive, wanted me to have a job, but also wanted me at home. The younger kids were going to school out of district at my grandmother's house across town. Every afternoon I came home to an empty house and was there sometimes until 7-9pm by myself. I was isolated from my family. I was sad, and this boy killing himself pushed me over the edge.
I was deeply depressed for a few months and then decided I would end all of the pain. One night while home alone and it was getting late, I decided to kill myself. I was going to cut my wrists it seemed the most painless way to go.
Standing in the kitchen with a knife in hand tears pouring down my face there was a knock on the front door. A mild interruption, I didn't want my family to walk in and find me mid suicide so I went to find out who was at the front door. There standing at the front door dressed in a khaki pair of pants and a green cardigan was the devil. I freaked the #@&% out. He stared at me through the window of the front door. I locked the door and ran.
We had a very large antique clawfooted table pushed up against a wall in the living room and I crawled under it the house shuddered (old houses do from time to time) and a chilly wind picked up inside of the house (old houses are also sometimes drafty but this was no ordinary draft) I pulled down the phone underneath the table and called a friend that lived a few streets over to see if she'd come over I don't think I told her I was planning to kill myself, I do think I probably told her Satan was at my front door and that I was scared. She didn't come but stayed on the phone with me. I didn't kill myself that night (obviously)
A few months later the new star wars movie was released and the makeup job on Darth Maul (??? I think, not a star wars fan) looked just like what I saw standing at my front door that day. We lived on the corner of one of the busiest intersections in town, it is possible that someone in makeup stopped by the house that day, it is also possible that as depressed as I was that I was hallucinating.
I ended up telling my mom that I was planning to kill myself, that I was very depressed, she took me to a therapist. That was probably the biggest joke in all of it. The therapist told me I was being mistreated by my family and that I needed to get emancipated and move in with my best friend. I told my mom that I didn't want to go back and see her anymore and awhile later I told her why. I don't feel like I was abused. I think my parents were caught up in just getting by and that they didn't know the toll that being alone was taking on me.
Big Hit:
Shortly after this we lost our house, and moved to the next town over. I lost all of the connection I had made in school and friends, and didn't get to see much of Moye. I still called and talked to her regularly but we were a good 45 min to hour and 30 minute drive from her house. Moye had various other health problems creep up after her stroke diabetes, and COPD. Moye was sad to have us so far away but didn't want to come live with us, and her health kept declining. My uncle and her sister both planned a trip within a few weeks of each other to come see Moye. I knew at the time that it was a bad omen. Mom had a cold and we came over to clean the carpets at Moye's house in preparation for the visits. Moye picked up the cold. Between that and the stress of the visits and the going and doing to keep the family entertained, Moye never got over the cold.
I went to stay with her because she couldn't even cook for herself while she was sick and she kept taking her oxygen off and somehow the cord kept coming unplugged. Late one night she had taken off her oxygen and turned almost blue before I noticed I made her put it back on, I kept begging her to go to the ER because I knew she was very sick. The next day she was got up to go to the bathroom and couldn't hardly walk even with her walker. I was following along behind her and as she got in the bathroom she started to fall. I was a pretty strong girl from helping dad around the shop I was already twisted when she started to fall and I caught her and put her back on her feet. This was the beginning of back problems for me. I called the paramedics even though Moye protested and by the time they got there she was no longer in any shape to protest.
It amazes me that you're in an ambulance on your way to the hospital lights and siren going, and people don't pull over and get out of the way. Moye was probably in death's door as far as I was concerned and that was a very long anxious ambulance ride.
After a few hours Moye so sick I don't remember her being barely conscious, they admitted her to the hospital. It was night time by the time they got her in a room, I remember she had been hungry all day but generally they don't let you eat in the ER. When they brought a dinner tray to her room she was no longer interested in eating I felt so bad for her... I knew she was very sick... but didn't think she would be gone in a few weeks. I had been staying with Moye and getting very little sleep I was afraid to go to sleep and find her oxygen unplugged and her dead, on top of the cold I knew she couldn't be without it, plus she was very sick and sleeping at odd times several days prior to all of this. I was dead tired and in a decent amount of pain. I laid down on the floor and my mom and I both fell asleep in her hospital room. I woke up hearing a funny little noise I laid there listening to it feeling me out I was still in a ton of pain and sleeping on the hospital floor hadn't helped. I laid there listening to it in my stupor trying to figure out what that little noise was. I got up and was sickened by the realization of what it was. It was moye taking tiny breaths in her hospital bed dying. I brought her to the hospital to save her, not kill her. In the middle of the night her nurse came in to turn her and forgot to put her oxygen back on her. Mom woke up about this time too and started screaming momma, momma, patting her face screamed for her nurse and I believe she's the one that called a code on her. I stood and watched in horror as they worked on her.
I would never have another 2 sided conversation with my best friend again. They were able to bring her around and took her up to ICU. On a ventilator. her doctor later explained to me this: "Your lungs are like a rubber band. People with COPD's lungs are wearing out, they don't repair, and by leaving her oxygen off essentially her lungs were overworked and stretched out and probably would never be able to breath on her own again.
Why I Believe In The After Life Without A Doubt:
Moye did not want to be on the ventilator she pulled it off, more then once. Finally my mom asked her and explained to her that she couldn't live without it and she told mom she didn't want it on. A few days later mom allowed it to be removed. Moye fought for a few hours or a few days I don't remember the time blurs in my mind I do know that mom sat beside her bed for hours, and finally she asked me to go sit with her so she could get some dinner. She hadn't eaten all day and I wanted some time with moye. People were coming and saying their goodbyes and only 2 people could be in the room at a time. I watched this procession sadly from the waiting room at least most of that day already.
As I sat next to her... I thought she's barely alive but she's still hanging on why? I realized I hadn't told her goodbye. Moye was waiting on me. I wanted to be alone to tell her what was on my mind and I sat there quietly for awhile. I finally realized that I would never get a chance to tell her goodbye alone, I sat close to her head held her hand and cried as I said "Moye I love you, and I'm grown up now, and I need you, but I know you're in pain, and it's ok to let go...I'll make it somehow... when you get to heaven you tell Gamp I love him and I'll see you guys one day." Even literally in death's door Moye was worried about me and holding on just to hear those words as I kissed her cheek her heart rate and respirations begin to decline and finally ceased. I cried and cried and no one came and the hospital monitors were going nutts and I went into the hallway to scream at someone for not coming to turn them off and as I stood there muttering somebody please help I realized Moye had died while mom was downstairs getting dinner after sitting there for days watching her suffer and trying not to leave her side for anything... so she could be there for that moment. I ran back in the room and grabbed Moye's hand "Moye please come back, Moye, Moye! Mom's not here Moye she's going to be devastated... Moye please just wait a few more minutes for Mom." She had been gone 3-5 minutes at this point, but Moye came back for just a few minutes the monitors went from flat line alarms, and zero reading to very faint vital signs. After being dead hearing my pleas for my mom's sake, Moye climbed back in that lifeless body and back into the pain of death to wait for her daughter to come back. I hardly remember the second death, it wasn't but a few minutes later mom had come gave her a kiss and she again quietly stopped breathing. There were tears everywhere, her nurses were closer this time and came and turned off her monitors. I don't remember much from there... what I remember most is the shock of her coming back to life briefly to wait on mom.
That proves to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death. How else could she have heard my pleas and come back briefly? I'm sure someone out there has some scientific phenom explanation, but I don't want to hear it. I know what happened...
Growing up too fast:
Let's rewind a little. I've been a little adult most of my life. I'm the oldest of four kids, and the first grandchild in my Mom's family. Needless to say I was spoiled rotten. That is until I was four and a half, and my mom popped out twins, and then 18 months later had another child. My mom bless her heart decided after having four kids that she wanted to go to school to become a nurse, after trying nursing school myself with a child, I applaud her for making it through, because it's tough. This kind of left me in charge of a house full of kids. So I've been mommying for about 20 of my 28 years. This made me a serious kid, and not always a happy kid.
Death:
My papa "Gamp" was my most favoritest person in the whole wide world! He got cancer and he fought it hard but, I remember watching him slowly melt away, and finally lose his battle. He hated doctors and didn't want to know something was wrong until it was too late to effectively treat the cancer, it seems to me he lived about a year with heavy chemo treatments. This was very hard on my little eight year old heart, and my first experience with death. This was probably also the first time I had a bout of depression.
Becoming a Nurse:
My grandmother "Moye" worked very hard to take Gamps place in my heart. She took me out and I stayed the night at her house probably more then I stayed at home. Looking back on it now it probably had something to do with her not wanting to be alone. Within a few months of Gamps death Moye started getting terrible headaches, she eventually went to the doctor and they told her that she had an inner ear infection. They were very wrong. Moye was having TIA's or mini strokes, and left untreated she ended up having a very bad stroke a few months later. She had to relearn how to talk and walk and she was perpetually dizzy from then on. She recovered overall though. Moye returned home after what seemed to my 9 year old self like a lifetime, it was probably a few months. Moye wanted to retain her independence and stay in her own home, now I realize she should have been living with a family member, or maybe a highly functioning assisted living facility. I stayed with Moye a lot after that helping her with daily living type stuff, cooking, cleaning, doing what she needed done. Moye had quickly become my new best friend after Gamp passed and I didn't mind.
Fast forwarding a bit, there's a blur of many years of raising siblings, and taking care of Moye, and helping my dad in various ways with his auto repair shop, and doing what I can to help my mom through nursing school.
Killing myself:
At 16 my online boyfriend turned 18 and the pressures of "becoming a man" were too much for him. He set himself on fire and jumped off of a bridge. I was devastated. There's committing suicide and then there's brutally killing yourself.
I knew he was unhappy about some of the pressures of "becoming an adult", I knew he wasn't excited about going off to college, I had no idea he was that unhappy. Looking back it wasn't a very serious relationship, but at the time it meant the world to me, and him killing himself especially the way he did sent me into a very steep downward spiral.
At the time I was in high school, we were fairly poor, my mom wouldn't let me drive, wanted me to have a job, but also wanted me at home. The younger kids were going to school out of district at my grandmother's house across town. Every afternoon I came home to an empty house and was there sometimes until 7-9pm by myself. I was isolated from my family. I was sad, and this boy killing himself pushed me over the edge.
I was deeply depressed for a few months and then decided I would end all of the pain. One night while home alone and it was getting late, I decided to kill myself. I was going to cut my wrists it seemed the most painless way to go.
Standing in the kitchen with a knife in hand tears pouring down my face there was a knock on the front door. A mild interruption, I didn't want my family to walk in and find me mid suicide so I went to find out who was at the front door. There standing at the front door dressed in a khaki pair of pants and a green cardigan was the devil. I freaked the #@&% out. He stared at me through the window of the front door. I locked the door and ran.
We had a very large antique clawfooted table pushed up against a wall in the living room and I crawled under it the house shuddered (old houses do from time to time) and a chilly wind picked up inside of the house (old houses are also sometimes drafty but this was no ordinary draft) I pulled down the phone underneath the table and called a friend that lived a few streets over to see if she'd come over I don't think I told her I was planning to kill myself, I do think I probably told her Satan was at my front door and that I was scared. She didn't come but stayed on the phone with me. I didn't kill myself that night (obviously)
A few months later the new star wars movie was released and the makeup job on Darth Maul (??? I think, not a star wars fan) looked just like what I saw standing at my front door that day. We lived on the corner of one of the busiest intersections in town, it is possible that someone in makeup stopped by the house that day, it is also possible that as depressed as I was that I was hallucinating.
I ended up telling my mom that I was planning to kill myself, that I was very depressed, she took me to a therapist. That was probably the biggest joke in all of it. The therapist told me I was being mistreated by my family and that I needed to get emancipated and move in with my best friend. I told my mom that I didn't want to go back and see her anymore and awhile later I told her why. I don't feel like I was abused. I think my parents were caught up in just getting by and that they didn't know the toll that being alone was taking on me.
Big Hit:
Shortly after this we lost our house, and moved to the next town over. I lost all of the connection I had made in school and friends, and didn't get to see much of Moye. I still called and talked to her regularly but we were a good 45 min to hour and 30 minute drive from her house. Moye had various other health problems creep up after her stroke diabetes, and COPD. Moye was sad to have us so far away but didn't want to come live with us, and her health kept declining. My uncle and her sister both planned a trip within a few weeks of each other to come see Moye. I knew at the time that it was a bad omen. Mom had a cold and we came over to clean the carpets at Moye's house in preparation for the visits. Moye picked up the cold. Between that and the stress of the visits and the going and doing to keep the family entertained, Moye never got over the cold.
I went to stay with her because she couldn't even cook for herself while she was sick and she kept taking her oxygen off and somehow the cord kept coming unplugged. Late one night she had taken off her oxygen and turned almost blue before I noticed I made her put it back on, I kept begging her to go to the ER because I knew she was very sick. The next day she was got up to go to the bathroom and couldn't hardly walk even with her walker. I was following along behind her and as she got in the bathroom she started to fall. I was a pretty strong girl from helping dad around the shop I was already twisted when she started to fall and I caught her and put her back on her feet. This was the beginning of back problems for me. I called the paramedics even though Moye protested and by the time they got there she was no longer in any shape to protest.
It amazes me that you're in an ambulance on your way to the hospital lights and siren going, and people don't pull over and get out of the way. Moye was probably in death's door as far as I was concerned and that was a very long anxious ambulance ride.
After a few hours Moye so sick I don't remember her being barely conscious, they admitted her to the hospital. It was night time by the time they got her in a room, I remember she had been hungry all day but generally they don't let you eat in the ER. When they brought a dinner tray to her room she was no longer interested in eating I felt so bad for her... I knew she was very sick... but didn't think she would be gone in a few weeks. I had been staying with Moye and getting very little sleep I was afraid to go to sleep and find her oxygen unplugged and her dead, on top of the cold I knew she couldn't be without it, plus she was very sick and sleeping at odd times several days prior to all of this. I was dead tired and in a decent amount of pain. I laid down on the floor and my mom and I both fell asleep in her hospital room. I woke up hearing a funny little noise I laid there listening to it feeling me out I was still in a ton of pain and sleeping on the hospital floor hadn't helped. I laid there listening to it in my stupor trying to figure out what that little noise was. I got up and was sickened by the realization of what it was. It was moye taking tiny breaths in her hospital bed dying. I brought her to the hospital to save her, not kill her. In the middle of the night her nurse came in to turn her and forgot to put her oxygen back on her. Mom woke up about this time too and started screaming momma, momma, patting her face screamed for her nurse and I believe she's the one that called a code on her. I stood and watched in horror as they worked on her.
I would never have another 2 sided conversation with my best friend again. They were able to bring her around and took her up to ICU. On a ventilator. her doctor later explained to me this: "Your lungs are like a rubber band. People with COPD's lungs are wearing out, they don't repair, and by leaving her oxygen off essentially her lungs were overworked and stretched out and probably would never be able to breath on her own again.
Why I Believe In The After Life Without A Doubt:
Moye did not want to be on the ventilator she pulled it off, more then once. Finally my mom asked her and explained to her that she couldn't live without it and she told mom she didn't want it on. A few days later mom allowed it to be removed. Moye fought for a few hours or a few days I don't remember the time blurs in my mind I do know that mom sat beside her bed for hours, and finally she asked me to go sit with her so she could get some dinner. She hadn't eaten all day and I wanted some time with moye. People were coming and saying their goodbyes and only 2 people could be in the room at a time. I watched this procession sadly from the waiting room at least most of that day already.
As I sat next to her... I thought she's barely alive but she's still hanging on why? I realized I hadn't told her goodbye. Moye was waiting on me. I wanted to be alone to tell her what was on my mind and I sat there quietly for awhile. I finally realized that I would never get a chance to tell her goodbye alone, I sat close to her head held her hand and cried as I said "Moye I love you, and I'm grown up now, and I need you, but I know you're in pain, and it's ok to let go...I'll make it somehow... when you get to heaven you tell Gamp I love him and I'll see you guys one day." Even literally in death's door Moye was worried about me and holding on just to hear those words as I kissed her cheek her heart rate and respirations begin to decline and finally ceased. I cried and cried and no one came and the hospital monitors were going nutts and I went into the hallway to scream at someone for not coming to turn them off and as I stood there muttering somebody please help I realized Moye had died while mom was downstairs getting dinner after sitting there for days watching her suffer and trying not to leave her side for anything... so she could be there for that moment. I ran back in the room and grabbed Moye's hand "Moye please come back, Moye, Moye! Mom's not here Moye she's going to be devastated... Moye please just wait a few more minutes for Mom." She had been gone 3-5 minutes at this point, but Moye came back for just a few minutes the monitors went from flat line alarms, and zero reading to very faint vital signs. After being dead hearing my pleas for my mom's sake, Moye climbed back in that lifeless body and back into the pain of death to wait for her daughter to come back. I hardly remember the second death, it wasn't but a few minutes later mom had come gave her a kiss and she again quietly stopped breathing. There were tears everywhere, her nurses were closer this time and came and turned off her monitors. I don't remember much from there... what I remember most is the shock of her coming back to life briefly to wait on mom.
That proves to me beyond a shadow of a doubt that there is life after death. How else could she have heard my pleas and come back briefly? I'm sure someone out there has some scientific phenom explanation, but I don't want to hear it. I know what happened...
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